The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. – Ecclesiastes 7:8
It’s hard to believe that 2018 is almost over. Someone told me today that it was nine weeks until Christmas. Crazy. I hate these nights when I can’t sleep. For some reason, the days surrounding the full moon just messes with me like crazy. As it keeps me up tonight I’m just reflecting and evaluating myself this year. It has been a very different kind of year.
I started very poorly. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the goals I set for the year were only selfish. The things I wanted to accomplish would actually take away from the amount of time that I normally spend with God. 10 months into the year, it has done just that. I lie here just hating how much I’ve regressed spiritually.
Here is the other amazing thing: God has remained ridiculously faithful. He might be using me more at my weakest than He ever has when I’d say I was strong. Sounds about like Him. I used to think that if I wasn’t full steam ahead on the God train that He’d just have nothing to do with me, or at least would be greatly disappointed with me. Ministry wise, He is growing our church and speaking through me despite me. I am incredibly aware of all this.
As I check out this little verse in Ecclesiastes, I want to end these last couple of months of 2018 well. I just miss God. Sure, I’ve had these moments of feeling Him and had on and off times of experiencing His Presence, but it’s more like I’ve just pulled the car in and stopped for a visit . . . not really moved in. Why did I move out in the first place? When did I move out? I just want to be all-in with Him. I want to love Him like I’ve never loved Him before. Moreover, I want to want to, not feel like I have to or I am supposed to.
I hate these WMD’s where I just kind of bear my soul out there for all to see; I’m still not sure why God wants my miniscule life on display. But, I do know this . . . He is the best thing this life offers. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just hate that I still have to keep learning this over and over the hard way.
Maybe there is no other way.
Lord, you have been so faithful to me. If grace is giving me what I don’t deserve, and mercy is not giving me what I do deserve, then you have been extremely gracious and merciful to me. You have still chosen to use me and I’ve beheld your glory. Thank you for not letting my relationship with you be mundane and routine. Having said that, Lord, will you clean me up? I have the world’s crap just all over me. My mind is just so full of junk. Help me to empty it. Help me to concentrate on you. Help me to draw near to you as close as I’ve ever been before. I’m sorry for the last 10 months, which to you is absolutely nothing, for you are eternal. I guess I just miss you. I love you.